Not sure what to think.....

So I do believe I gave the latest update on me and my hubbys baby making.....lol Sorry y'all I'm feeling kind of playful today and when it happens I just go with it because I'm in a kind of good mood... But anyways I went to the infertility specialist and she told me that I needed to loose another 35lbs. on top of the 25lbs. I had already lost since Nov. I was very bumbed out by this because I felt like my efforts were not so much in vain but just not appreciated...you know? But I agreed to it and I tried dieting and I tried walking in which I'm still doing but I just fell off I guess really hard! I have been getting a taste for things I would normally never eat or drink! Like Coke.... for some reason I crave coke everyday and I want to drink it all the time. And not just any Coke but fountain drink Coke.... Not the bottle lol..... I know I had that craving when I was prego the first time.... I know I'm not pregnant now I think it's just the devil because I really need to loose wait! So I have come up with a plan..... I have done some calculations and according to my math I need to burn at least 2500 cal a day in order to loose 5lbs a week..... which is about 4 miles a day in walking which is not too hard..... because I'm not sure if you knew this or not but on average we burn about 3500 cal a day just by doing everyday stuff! But the average person eats about half of that and this is why we sometimes either mantain weight or go back and forth between the same 5-10 pounds...... SO I'm going to try this with a 1500 call diet and see what happens.....I will keep you all updated.... Thanks for reading and God Bless!

I want to be happy......

So I have a friend in which I will not mention her name but she found out she is pregnant today! What a joy because I know her struggles, and she has been waiting for this so much longer than I have and I prayed along with so many of her friends and family that this was it for her and it was.... God answered prayers today! So why am I like this? Sad and down, and feeling a bit jealous? It's not normal... especially because I knew her chances of getting pregnant were sooooo much higher than mine and I was praying so hard for her.... I am not writing this to say how much I wish I was her or to talk about her in a negative way because she is a friend and I care for her and her well being, but I feel as though when is my moment... you know?I just want to feel the same joy has her when they told her "your test was positive." I want to buy a stupid gift for my husband to tell him "you're going to be a daddy." I know everyone tells me that my time will come and to let go and let God, and I try.. But I think about this so much it, and it hurts with every thought just a little bit more then the one before... I'm just expressing my feelings because I have no one to talk to right now.... This post is not meant to hurt anyone or make anyone uncomfortable, and if it does I'm truly sorry, because it was not my intentions. I love God, I love my husband, and I love my family.... I guess that's all that matters for right now.... I just hope my birthday does not blow, because right now its really feeling that way right now. When I was younger it never acquired to me that life wouldn't turn out how I wanted it to.....

Am I still standing?

Am I still standing? When I fall, does God count it against me? What makes me strong and why does everyone keep telling me I am? If I break a bone here and there am I still strong? Am I still standing? I'm mad at God but only for the day. I don't understand why there has to be a day.... To separate desire from fact, and the past and the present. I've cried a million moments with the same results, nothing. Again I ask myself Am I still strong? Do I still deserve to be called a child of God when my weaknesses come more often then not? My trust in the Lord has faded and returned, only to leave again.... I try and hold my head up and say there is nothing wrong, but the truth of the matter is it hurts, and so much more on this day. This man made, hurtful, resentful day! Is it ok to deliberately fall? Because I don't feel I can stand much longer. My feet can't hold my shaky legs and my will to go on starts to diminish..... Why does hurt have to hurt so bad? Why to bad people get to experience the greater things in life while others suffer for no reason. Am I still standing? I ask you who reads this because I'm all out of answer. I was told once to keep your eyes on the rock and not on the stones. But what if the stones are so big they cover the Rock? How will this ever be fixed and if it never sees redemption will I still be able to stand?

I can finally breathe.......

Hello there to all that read my blog..... Sorry I have not been on in a while but a lot has been going on..... I remember last time I posted I felt a little discouraged and imbarrassed about going to a doctor to get pregnant.... I have let all of that go and am now enjoying the fact that I know God has not forgotten about me and I am doing all I can to conceive. I have since November 2010 lost almost 30lbs.... I am going to the doctor every month to get checked for ovulation, and I am taking a wondeful fertility drug called Clomid.... Although it does not make you feel very wonderful.... It does what it's supposed to do.... With all of these wonderful and physical things I'm doing to have a baby I also fasted and prayed..... Which I tihnk is the number one thing you can do in order to have change in your life. I am not satified with life as I know it but I am satified where God has me right now, because I know the best is yet to come. Just a small update to all those wondering whats all going on with me..... Thank you for reading and I pray there will be more good news in the near future.... If you want to know more about ovulation or Clomid you may click the links I have provided... Thank you again and God Bless!

Good Days and Bad Days....

So I know with everyone there are going to be good days and bad days... for this is normal. But I have to admit there are just some days that seem impossible. Those are the days when you feel like your gut is in knots because you want something and can't have it... For thos of you that don't understand let me break it down for you... This is like going to your favorite resturant for your favorite meal only to find out when you get there, they took it off the menu! Yea, something like that...The up side to this is I know Jesus didn't die on the cross for me to nail him back up there with my worries and unbelief! I have to get over it.... good things happen to the undeserving and bad thing to those who more than deserve it....So I pray to God this feeling of failure and nonfaith will go away! I love not knowing what God holds for me in his future for me.... I just get so impatient and want to know what is in his hand that he is about to give me. I'm like a child witing for my daddy to buy me a peice of candy, and although I get into trouble I'm still going to get my peice of candy... it's waiting for it that is the most fusterating thing. Sometimes to the point of tears..... Well at least that's where I was last night. God please help me to bepatient and not envius..... Bless me!

Confirmation

Sorry I haven't been on in a while a lot has happened since the last time I posted...... There was a death in the family and I didn't get good news from my doctors, but the up side is that weight loss will take away all that is bad! So I have been dieting and I've lost 18 pounds so far. IT is important for me to loose weight not only so that I can have a baby but for my health..... But besides that I got confirmation through a dream..... God told me that I needed to continue to let all that is in the past and all that is bad for my spiritual, physical, and mental health go! He also told me that I need not to plant myself in water but on solid ground because water can go back and forth and also send some of the things I've over come back my way...... He showed me that if I don't listen to what he has just revealed to me I will be back at square one. All the while the enemy is whispering in my ear that he is going to kill me..... But I have the power of the One and ONLY living God and he said the battle was NOT mine to fight! For he has already won! I sit here today not defeated but uplifted! So what the doctor didn't ell me what I wanted to hear..... God said it will be so I'm just going to praise it until it IS! That's what confirmation can do for you..... it can help you when you're not sure which way yo are supposed to be going! Thank you God for personally giving me that! -Amen!

Today there may be hope

SO I went to one of my many sessions with my therapist and she really set some stuff in stone for me.... I asked for a tap and she gave me a push! I asked for an answer and she gave me a whole lot more questions.... Not for me but for others! I say "why not me?" and shes says "why not you." She is a loving, Christian women and I repect her dearly. She has challenged me to instead of complaining about my situation to do something to change it! If I haven't tried everything I shouldn't be complaining right? SO I made an appointment and got a consult to see a fertility specialist. They will be able to work with me very closely so that when I get prego again they can help me to term! Honestly I thought this was very embarassing. I fell that a women shouldn't have to have help in which she was naturally made to do.... But let's see what happens... I just wish at some moments in life I had a crystal ball so I could see what lies ahead.... But I'm going to try this and see what happens... Pray for me....