A Jumbled Mind...

So yesterday my sister had my nephew and he is too cute! I love hom so very much and I can't wait until he gets bigger so I can figure out who he looks like... Well to the point there is a lot of baby talk going around with everyone asking how my sisters labor went and how big he is and what he looks like... It's kind of depressing me... So I've been distanting myself because I can't listen to it...and who am I to ask my sister to stop talking about it or for others to stop asking question when everyone is excited?... I want to be able to just be here in body, and heart but only my body is here right now.... I'm making the best of it and trying to make myself involved it's a lot harder then I thought... I mean I came to Oklahoma with high hopes and excitement in my heart but it's just gone.... Well I have to go now becuse I'm taking my Tia tot he store but I'll be back... Please comment I would love the advice! God Bless!

Foot Steps

So I just remembered that poem about there only being one set of foot prints because God was carrying me.... I wonder why anything has to be so hard that I need to be carried in the first place....Does God test us? What does he want me to learn? I know what I have learned.... Life is given to some and taken from others.... I know I need not complain and I try not to but it is hard.... I thought I was over this but I guess not... If I'm not being carried God please come pick me up.... Carry me..

Happy Mother's Day

I want to first say I pray all mothers had a blessed day today! I honestly thought that today would be the worst day ever because my husband is in Iraq and I'm here with my sister and her growing family...But today was one of the most special Mother's Days I have ever had... Not because of all the Happy Mother's Day comments I got or any of that but because I was happy and not resentful of those mothers without angel babies. I was so thankful for everything else in my life like a wonderful husband, my unbelievably understanding sister and her family and my mother. I'd be an idiot to complain about such wonderful family and friends...Especially friends because unlike family they choose to be in my life and that's special! So I want to thank God for an amazing day and for putting it in my heart to not be selfish and to love life.... God Bless! Oh.... and my sister gave me purple roses today which filled my heart with more love then I could have ever imagined... Thank you Nikki...My Big Sister!

Today Was A Good Day

So today my sister and I and my niece went to the mall.... It was so much fun! It was boring at first but then I saw this lady and she had a little boy that looked about 5 or 6 tears old. I guess he had taken it upon his self to dress himself this morning and she did not intervene so there he was in the mall on a Sat. afternoon with bright yellow Sponge Bob PJ's on with yellow slippers! Lol I laughed so hard I couldn't help but have a good time after that! Well that was my day.... No sadness at all which is a lot better then the past couple of days. And for those that are reading that feel I'm depressed I'm not it just took a lot more out of me to start this blog then I imagined because I was reliving my story , but I'm ok just had a rough couple of days... Well until next time God Bless!

From A Mans Point of View

I asked my husband some questions to see if it was a different experience from a mans point of view... Check it out!

1. What was you first reaction when you found out your wife was pregnant the first time?

Excited didnt know what to do but was so happy about it.


2.What is the first thing that came to your mind?

I'm gonna be a father!

3. What was your intial feeling when you found out your baby had passed away?

I felt like my old self cold hearted and a piece of our world was gone.

4. What are some things you did to help you and your wife during this time?

Tried to help cope with what happened with the loss to the best I could.

5. Can you explain what you felt when you found out your wife was pregnant for the second time?

Another chance and its happening this time.

6. How did you take it when you realized the second pregnancy was coming to an end?

A little harder than the first because the pregnancy went a little futher.

7. Do you mind explaining from a mans/fathers point of view what you went through emotionally?

Had to be strong for both my wife and myself and find away to deal with what happened.

8. What advice would you have for men going through the loss of a baby?

Pray, pray, and pray take care of your wife every step of the way.

9. Is there anything you would have done differently?

No I felt I did what I could from my perspective.

10. Do you and your wife plan to try and have more babies in the future? Yes

I want to thank you for answering these question to help other understand what men go through in these times of loss.

Am I Still in Step One?

So yesterday I was a little upset but today is worse.... You think you've tacked the monsters in your life only for them to slap you in the face at every chance they get. I know it's just the devil trying to make me go back from all the progress I've made......but today my sister received a Mother's Day card from my grandmother on my father's side and it hurt me.... I know she probably don't mean anything by it but I fell that just because my babies aren't here does not mean they don't exist and that I was never pregnant with them..... My husband and I celebrate the holidays people think we shouldn't.... I mean I actually had an older women tell me that because during my first pregnancy I wasn't that far a long only about 10 weeks and I didn't go into labor and have my Angel that I had not right to celebrate Mother's Day... The nerve of some people huh? But honestly I think do I have the right? But I think it's just negative thinking and I try not to pay attention to it. Last year was better because my husband was home and it was just him and I but this year he is in Iraq and I will be with my sister who has a beautiful little girl plus she's being induced on the 13Th with a little boy...Perfect huh? So this year will not be like last year... because my husband is my person.......you know? He's the one I cry to and he is the one that best understands me for he was right there through it all and went through everything right by my side.... I don't know what I'd do without him.... God is my number one fore sure... but God made and gave me my number two which is my husband. Another thing that bothered me was last year at church they had all the Mothers get up infront of everyone in the church and gave them a Mother's Day gift...That's great right? There was actually a women up there that had married a man in the church that had a little girl but had not children of her own.... She was up there in that line and even had a special announcement because she had just gotten married and became a mother overnight.... I know it sounds like animosity but it's just a lack of understand on why does she count but I don't? That's all.....Well I'm done for today... I need to go pray and ask God to help me with this because the more I write on here the more I realize there are certain things I haven't gotten over.... God Bless!

The Effects of Step One

So, today is the day after I put up my blog and I have to admit it's a lot harder then I thought it would be. I'm trying to keep my spirits up and think about all the great things in life. I know someone may read this and think "why is she saying all this stuff on here when she's supposed to be helping people?" and the answer to your question is I have bad days too. I'm going to be as transparent as I can in doing this blog because it's not easy. It takes a lot of prayer and commitment to say I don't want to be sad forever. But this week is a special time because this Sunday is Mother's Day. So on top of it being a special weekend I had to relive my experience yesterday when I started this blog. But I know I will be ok.... It's more healthy to express yourself then it is to keep it all in so I'm spilling my guts....Lol.... Many women go through loosing their babies, but it is especially hard for those that have been pregnant and loose and don't have children at all. Don't get me wrong mothers that have children and loose babies still have an extremely hard time, but they have their other babies to love on when they get home.Like women like me that have gone home more then once empty handed. And I think a lot of people don't realize that those of us that have gone home empty handed with no other babies to love on are still Mothers too. We still felt our babies kick, and had morning sickness, and went through the motions of pregnancy so we too need recognition as mothers. Well that's all for right now. Until next time.... Keep your heart and ears open and you never know who's life you can change with a loving heart and listening ear!