Good Days and Bad Days....

So I know with everyone there are going to be good days and bad days... for this is normal. But I have to admit there are just some days that seem impossible. Those are the days when you feel like your gut is in knots because you want something and can't have it... For thos of you that don't understand let me break it down for you... This is like going to your favorite resturant for your favorite meal only to find out when you get there, they took it off the menu! Yea, something like that...The up side to this is I know Jesus didn't die on the cross for me to nail him back up there with my worries and unbelief! I have to get over it.... good things happen to the undeserving and bad thing to those who more than deserve it....So I pray to God this feeling of failure and nonfaith will go away! I love not knowing what God holds for me in his future for me.... I just get so impatient and want to know what is in his hand that he is about to give me. I'm like a child witing for my daddy to buy me a peice of candy, and although I get into trouble I'm still going to get my peice of candy... it's waiting for it that is the most fusterating thing. Sometimes to the point of tears..... Well at least that's where I was last night. God please help me to bepatient and not envius..... Bless me!

Confirmation

Sorry I haven't been on in a while a lot has happened since the last time I posted...... There was a death in the family and I didn't get good news from my doctors, but the up side is that weight loss will take away all that is bad! So I have been dieting and I've lost 18 pounds so far. IT is important for me to loose weight not only so that I can have a baby but for my health..... But besides that I got confirmation through a dream..... God told me that I needed to continue to let all that is in the past and all that is bad for my spiritual, physical, and mental health go! He also told me that I need not to plant myself in water but on solid ground because water can go back and forth and also send some of the things I've over come back my way...... He showed me that if I don't listen to what he has just revealed to me I will be back at square one. All the while the enemy is whispering in my ear that he is going to kill me..... But I have the power of the One and ONLY living God and he said the battle was NOT mine to fight! For he has already won! I sit here today not defeated but uplifted! So what the doctor didn't ell me what I wanted to hear..... God said it will be so I'm just going to praise it until it IS! That's what confirmation can do for you..... it can help you when you're not sure which way yo are supposed to be going! Thank you God for personally giving me that! -Amen!

Today there may be hope

SO I went to one of my many sessions with my therapist and she really set some stuff in stone for me.... I asked for a tap and she gave me a push! I asked for an answer and she gave me a whole lot more questions.... Not for me but for others! I say "why not me?" and shes says "why not you." She is a loving, Christian women and I repect her dearly. She has challenged me to instead of complaining about my situation to do something to change it! If I haven't tried everything I shouldn't be complaining right? SO I made an appointment and got a consult to see a fertility specialist. They will be able to work with me very closely so that when I get prego again they can help me to term! Honestly I thought this was very embarassing. I fell that a women shouldn't have to have help in which she was naturally made to do.... But let's see what happens... I just wish at some moments in life I had a crystal ball so I could see what lies ahead.... But I'm going to try this and see what happens... Pray for me....

1 Samuel 1:1-28; 2:1-11

So my husband has been back from Iraq for 2 weeks and 5 days and I thought well maybe it will just happen really fast you know?.....I guess I'm being a little irrational because I haven't given anything any time but I'm come to learn that when you want something really bad it seems like everyday is 1000 years..... My mom gave me the scripture 1 Samuel 1:1-28; 2:1-11 when I found my desires had yet again fallen short of reality. It's about Hannah and how she asked the Lord for a son... It was nice to know she got what she asked for but I don't understand one thing. I've always been told God will give you the desires of your heart, and on the other hand I've been told that God will is God's will and thins will happen according to what he wants not what we want. So if it's not his will for something to happen no matter if it's your desire or not it won't happen? I'm going to leave with this..... I love the Lord and I don't pray like I should and I have missed the passed 4 Sundays of church, but I love God and sometimes I just feel like my heart is in physical pain and God is saying you're not doing what you need to be doing but even when I do I feel I come up short. But I have to put a smile on my face and tell myself that's not true because I have so much.... I just want what everyone else wants....To be happy, have a family, and live a long time......

It's been a while....

I know it has been a while since my last post and for those that follow my blog I want to apologize. The past month has been good and bad but let's start with the good first! So my husband will be home from Iraq in like less then 3 weeks I'm so excited because we have not seen eachother since Feb. 28, 2010 and before that it was July 21, 2009. So my husband and I are God willing going to try and try to conceive again. This time it has been a well planned out decision and I pray (and your prayers wouldn't hurt either) everything works out! Now for the bad news..... well I'll share that later because this post is way too happy and great to spoil! Thanks for reaing God Bless!

My Thoughts....

Today I saw a friend I haven't seen in a while and her little boy. He is the cutest most chunkiest baby ever! He has beautiful eyes and big curls... just adorable! It got me thinking what had my babies looked like and what is my next baby going to look like? Will he/she have my eyes an my husband smile? Or will he/she have my husbands lips and my ears? You never know.... but it got me thinking. I think he/she will be perfect! Those are my thoughts for today...

A Jumbled Mind...

So yesterday my sister had my nephew and he is too cute! I love hom so very much and I can't wait until he gets bigger so I can figure out who he looks like... Well to the point there is a lot of baby talk going around with everyone asking how my sisters labor went and how big he is and what he looks like... It's kind of depressing me... So I've been distanting myself because I can't listen to it...and who am I to ask my sister to stop talking about it or for others to stop asking question when everyone is excited?... I want to be able to just be here in body, and heart but only my body is here right now.... I'm making the best of it and trying to make myself involved it's a lot harder then I thought... I mean I came to Oklahoma with high hopes and excitement in my heart but it's just gone.... Well I have to go now becuse I'm taking my Tia tot he store but I'll be back... Please comment I would love the advice! God Bless!