My First Step

Hello my name is Addiana Paul and I am the mother of two angel babies. I know that sounded like an introduction to an AA meeting but that's who I am. I am married to a wonderful man named Mozart. We have been together for a little over 5 years and married for a little over 3 years...

During our first year of marriage about 7 months in we got pregnant with our first child only to have it end in a miscarriage... We were both deeply hurt.. but I ran to God in hoping for relief of my horrible grief. I found it and was able to finally breath again when I was pregnant again! We were beyond excited because it had only been a short 6 months! Well my husband got his first duty station and we moved to Hawaii! Awesome right?... Wrong! Only being there for 3 weeks I get a call that changed my life forever... My grandfather had past away... The man I looked up to the most in my life was gone... We go to Texas (that's where I'm from) for the funeral and get back on the first of June.

Only 11 days later I start having these horrible headaches I was 4 months at this point... I went to the ER because they had just changed rules that you had o be 20 weeks in order to go to labor and delivery. I didn't press the issue because I felt they would do their best to help me. I was given benadryl and morphine for my headaches and sent home. That worked for a short while but the headaches came back so I went back to the hospital and they gave me the same meds but this time a doctor said I may have an aneurysm or meningitis so he order a CAT scan and spinal tap. One thing he didn't do was warn my husband and I of the risk associated with the spinal tap. After receiving this procedure I past out due to my blood pressure dropping to 92/48 and was given fluids....because of the intensity of the pain involved in this procedure I was given pain meds. When it wore off I was in an unbelievable amount of pain. I couldn't eat because I'd just vomit. I couldn't hold my head up because my blood pressure would shoot up and make me light headed. I past out in a doctor visit and was rushed to the hospital . At this point I was 17 weeks. I was told I was extremely dehydrated and started having contraction. I went back to the ER and they said the contraction were probably because of my dehydration and that I may feel this through out the remainder of my pregnancy. I went home early morning Friday July 18Th of 2008 only to come back less then 12 hours later. I had started bleeding and had to call my husband home from work. I had lost a large amount of blood really fast and was not able to walk down the stairs of my apartment so we again had to call 911. My water broke at home in my bed at 17 weeks and 4 days pregnant. When I arrived at the hospital I was pushed into a room by myself and I was given a bed pan for urination purposes. At that point I felt the baby coming so I was yelling for help for several minutes before my husband arrived at the hospital. He walked in and I told him to hurry and call someone I feel something. A nurse walked in and put on gloves and the baby came out. He had fallen in my bed pan where I had just urinated. I asked the nurse is that my baby she said "let's just wait for the doctor." The doctor came into the room yelling for nurses to get me an IV because I was loosing so much blood. He picked up my baby boy and rapped him in a brown paper towel and placed him in a plastic bag and set him to the side right in front of my husband and I. My husband was so hurt, confused, and unable to process what was going on he sat without words or emotion. He was so hurt he refused to call my family in TX to tell them what was going on. The doctor then did not wait for the placenta to come out on it's own he pulled from me. This was very painful and the bleeding just continued. That's when he stuffed me with gauze which was also painful. I then had to have an emergency surgery to remove anything from my uterus that did not naturally come out. I was in the hospital for 2 and and half days. I went through so much after this not knowing what to do or who to turn to. I felt that I was betrayed my God and my family and the Army. No one reached out to me and said from experience I know how you feel and I'm here for you. I had the support of my family for there are women in my family that have had miscarriages but not the experience that came along with my miscarriage.

This is why I want to extend my hand to those that may not know what to do or how to deal with death. I didn't mention it before but this was the 5Th death in my family in a matter of 11 months. I lost my great grandmother, two babies, my aunt, and my grandfather from August '07 to July '08. I understand death and have come a long way in dealing and coping with it.

Please tell me your stories and leave comments.... If you have any questions I will be more then happy to answer them... I have found my faith again and have been able to not overcome completely for everyday is different and I have my days... But I have been able to have more good days then bad days and that's what I hang on to.

God works in ways we don't always understand and may never understand but there is a method to the madness! I believe God allows us to go through things not so that we can feel sorry for ourselves but so that we can help others. This is something Ive learned from a new friend of mine named Stephanie who has also experienced loss.