Thursday, December 16, 2010


Sorry I haven't been on in a while a lot has happened since the last time I posted...... There was a death in the family and I didn't get good news from my doctors, but the up side is that weight loss will take away all that is bad! So I have been dieting and I've lost 18 pounds so far. IT is important for me to loose weight not only so that I can have a baby but for my health..... But besides that I got confirmation through a dream..... God told me that I needed to continue to let all that is in the past and all that is bad for my spiritual, physical, and mental health go! He also told me that I need not to plant myself in water but on solid ground because water can go back and forth and also send some of the things I've over come back my way...... He showed me that if I don't listen to what he has just revealed to me I will be back at square one. All the while the enemy is whispering in my ear that he is going to kill me..... But I have the power of the One and ONLY living God and he said the battle was NOT mine to fight! For he has already won! I sit here today not defeated but uplifted! So what the doctor didn't ell me what I wanted to hear..... God said it will be so I'm just going to praise it until it IS! That's what confirmation can do for you..... it can help you when you're not sure which way yo are supposed to be going! Thank you God for personally giving me that! -Amen!

Monday, November 1, 2010

Today there may be hope

SO I went to one of my many sessions with my therapist and she really set some stuff in stone for me.... I asked for a tap and she gave me a push! I asked for an answer and she gave me a whole lot more questions.... Not for me but for others! I say "why not me?" and shes says "why not you." She is a loving, Christian women and I repect her dearly. She has challenged me to instead of complaining about my situation to do something to change it! If I haven't tried everything I shouldn't be complaining right? SO I made an appointment and got a consult to see a fertility specialist. They will be able to work with me very closely so that when I get prego again they can help me to term! Honestly I thought this was very embarassing. I fell that a women shouldn't have to have help in which she was naturally made to do.... But let's see what happens... I just wish at some moments in life I had a crystal ball so I could see what lies ahead.... But I'm going to try this and see what happens... Pray for me....

Sunday, August 8, 2010

1 Samuel 1:1-28; 2:1-11

So my husband has been back from Iraq for 2 weeks and 5 days and I thought well maybe it will just happen really fast you know?.....I guess I'm being a little irrational because I haven't given anything any time but I'm come to learn that when you want something really bad it seems like everyday is 1000 years..... My mom gave me the scripture 1 Samuel 1:1-28; 2:1-11 when I found my desires had yet again fallen short of reality. It's about Hannah and how she asked the Lord for a son... It was nice to know she got what she asked for but I don't understand one thing. I've always been told God will give you the desires of your heart, and on the other hand I've been told that God will is God's will and thins will happen according to what he wants not what we want. So if it's not his will for something to happen no matter if it's your desire or not it won't happen? I'm going to leave with this..... I love the Lord and I don't pray like I should and I have missed the passed 4 Sundays of church, but I love God and sometimes I just feel like my heart is in physical pain and God is saying you're not doing what you need to be doing but even when I do I feel I come up short. But I have to put a smile on my face and tell myself that's not true because I have so much.... I just want what everyone else wants....To be happy, have a family, and live a long time......

Sunday, June 27, 2010

It's been a while....

I know it has been a while since my last post and for those that follow my blog I want to apologize. The past month has been good and bad but let's start with the good first! So my husband will be home from Iraq in like less then 3 weeks I'm so excited because we have not seen eachother since Feb. 28, 2010 and before that it was July 21, 2009. So my husband and I are God willing going to try and try to conceive again. This time it has been a well planned out decision and I pray (and your prayers wouldn't hurt either) everything works out! Now for the bad news..... well I'll share that later because this post is way too happy and great to spoil! Thanks for reaing God Bless!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

My Thoughts....

Today I saw a friend I haven't seen in a while and her little boy. He is the cutest most chunkiest baby ever! He has beautiful eyes and big curls... just adorable! It got me thinking what had my babies looked like and what is my next baby going to look like? Will he/she have my eyes an my husband smile? Or will he/she have my husbands lips and my ears? You never know.... but it got me thinking. I think he/she will be perfect! Those are my thoughts for today...

Friday, May 14, 2010

A Jumbled Mind...

So yesterday my sister had my nephew and he is too cute! I love hom so very much and I can't wait until he gets bigger so I can figure out who he looks like... Well to the point there is a lot of baby talk going around with everyone asking how my sisters labor went and how big he is and what he looks like... It's kind of depressing me... So I've been distanting myself because I can't listen to it...and who am I to ask my sister to stop talking about it or for others to stop asking question when everyone is excited?... I want to be able to just be here in body, and heart but only my body is here right now.... I'm making the best of it and trying to make myself involved it's a lot harder then I thought... I mean I came to Oklahoma with high hopes and excitement in my heart but it's just gone.... Well I have to go now becuse I'm taking my Tia tot he store but I'll be back... Please comment I would love the advice! God Bless!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Foot Steps

So I just remembered that poem about there only being one set of foot prints because God was carrying me.... I wonder why anything has to be so hard that I need to be carried in the first place....Does God test us? What does he want me to learn? I know what I have learned.... Life is given to some and taken from others.... I know I need not complain and I try not to but it is hard.... I thought I was over this but I guess not... If I'm not being carried God please come pick me up.... Carry me..

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Happy Mother's Day

I want to first say I pray all mothers had a blessed day today! I honestly thought that today would be the worst day ever because my husband is in Iraq and I'm here with my sister and her growing family...But today was one of the most special Mother's Days I have ever had... Not because of all the Happy Mother's Day comments I got or any of that but because I was happy and not resentful of those mothers without angel babies. I was so thankful for everything else in my life like a wonderful husband, my unbelievably understanding sister and her family and my mother. I'd be an idiot to complain about such wonderful family and friends...Especially friends because unlike family they choose to be in my life and that's special! So I want to thank God for an amazing day and for putting it in my heart to not be selfish and to love life.... God Bless! Oh.... and my sister gave me purple roses today which filled my heart with more love then I could have ever imagined... Thank you Nikki...My Big Sister!

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Today Was A Good Day

So today my sister and I and my niece went to the mall.... It was so much fun! It was boring at first but then I saw this lady and she had a little boy that looked about 5 or 6 tears old. I guess he had taken it upon his self to dress himself this morning and she did not intervene so there he was in the mall on a Sat. afternoon with bright yellow Sponge Bob PJ's on with yellow slippers! Lol I laughed so hard I couldn't help but have a good time after that! Well that was my day.... No sadness at all which is a lot better then the past couple of days. And for those that are reading that feel I'm depressed I'm not it just took a lot more out of me to start this blog then I imagined because I was reliving my story , but I'm ok just had a rough couple of days... Well until next time God Bless!

From A Mans Point of View

I asked my husband some questions to see if it was a different experience from a mans point of view... Check it out!

1. What was you first reaction when you found out your wife was pregnant the first time?

Excited didnt know what to do but was so happy about it.

2.What is the first thing that came to your mind?

I'm gonna be a father!

3. What was your intial feeling when you found out your baby had passed away?

I felt like my old self cold hearted and a piece of our world was gone.

4. What are some things you did to help you and your wife during this time?

Tried to help cope with what happened with the loss to the best I could.

5. Can you explain what you felt when you found out your wife was pregnant for the second time?

Another chance and its happening this time.

6. How did you take it when you realized the second pregnancy was coming to an end?

A little harder than the first because the pregnancy went a little futher.

7. Do you mind explaining from a mans/fathers point of view what you went through emotionally?

Had to be strong for both my wife and myself and find away to deal with what happened.

8. What advice would you have for men going through the loss of a baby?

Pray, pray, and pray take care of your wife every step of the way.

9. Is there anything you would have done differently?

No I felt I did what I could from my perspective.

10. Do you and your wife plan to try and have more babies in the future? Yes

I want to thank you for answering these question to help other understand what men go through in these times of loss.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Am I Still in Step One?

So yesterday I was a little upset but today is worse.... You think you've tacked the monsters in your life only for them to slap you in the face at every chance they get. I know it's just the devil trying to make me go back from all the progress I've made......but today my sister received a Mother's Day card from my grandmother on my father's side and it hurt me.... I know she probably don't mean anything by it but I fell that just because my babies aren't here does not mean they don't exist and that I was never pregnant with them..... My husband and I celebrate the holidays people think we shouldn't.... I mean I actually had an older women tell me that because during my first pregnancy I wasn't that far a long only about 10 weeks and I didn't go into labor and have my Angel that I had not right to celebrate Mother's Day... The nerve of some people huh? But honestly I think do I have the right? But I think it's just negative thinking and I try not to pay attention to it. Last year was better because my husband was home and it was just him and I but this year he is in Iraq and I will be with my sister who has a beautiful little girl plus she's being induced on the 13Th with a little boy...Perfect huh? So this year will not be like last year... because my husband is my know? He's the one I cry to and he is the one that best understands me for he was right there through it all and went through everything right by my side.... I don't know what I'd do without him.... God is my number one fore sure... but God made and gave me my number two which is my husband. Another thing that bothered me was last year at church they had all the Mothers get up infront of everyone in the church and gave them a Mother's Day gift...That's great right? There was actually a women up there that had married a man in the church that had a little girl but had not children of her own.... She was up there in that line and even had a special announcement because she had just gotten married and became a mother overnight.... I know it sounds like animosity but it's just a lack of understand on why does she count but I don't? That's all.....Well I'm done for today... I need to go pray and ask God to help me with this because the more I write on here the more I realize there are certain things I haven't gotten over.... God Bless!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

The Effects of Step One

So, today is the day after I put up my blog and I have to admit it's a lot harder then I thought it would be. I'm trying to keep my spirits up and think about all the great things in life. I know someone may read this and think "why is she saying all this stuff on here when she's supposed to be helping people?" and the answer to your question is I have bad days too. I'm going to be as transparent as I can in doing this blog because it's not easy. It takes a lot of prayer and commitment to say I don't want to be sad forever. But this week is a special time because this Sunday is Mother's Day. So on top of it being a special weekend I had to relive my experience yesterday when I started this blog. But I know I will be ok.... It's more healthy to express yourself then it is to keep it all in so I'm spilling my guts....Lol.... Many women go through loosing their babies, but it is especially hard for those that have been pregnant and loose and don't have children at all. Don't get me wrong mothers that have children and loose babies still have an extremely hard time, but they have their other babies to love on when they get home.Like women like me that have gone home more then once empty handed. And I think a lot of people don't realize that those of us that have gone home empty handed with no other babies to love on are still Mothers too. We still felt our babies kick, and had morning sickness, and went through the motions of pregnancy so we too need recognition as mothers. Well that's all for right now. Until next time.... Keep your heart and ears open and you never know who's life you can change with a loving heart and listening ear!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Waiting for my miracle (poem)

Waiting on my miracle patiently I stand,
On the words of the Lord not on the ones of men,
I've heard it more then once that what I want I won't recieve,
But I put all my trust in God not in a human being,

Waiting on my miracle sometimes seem so hard to do,
Being happy on some days is not an emotion I choose,
I feel as though my hope and dreams are still too far away,
A nightmare that always comes and goes so I try and stay awake,

Waiting on my miracle often saddens me,
But then I think of all I have and I start to believe,
That this is just a season which too has an end,
And even though I lost a pair another He will send,

Waiting on my miracle is what I love to do,
Because I know that I will get my miracle one day very soon!

My First Step

Hello my name is Addiana Paul and I am the mother of two angel babies. I know that sounded like an introduction to an AA meeting but that's who I am. I am married to a wonderful man named Mozart. We have been together for a little over 5 years and married for a little over 3 years...

During our first year of marriage about 7 months in we got pregnant with our first child only to have it end in a miscarriage... We were both deeply hurt.. but I ran to God in hoping for relief of my horrible grief. I found it and was able to finally breath again when I was pregnant again! We were beyond excited because it had only been a short 6 months! Well my husband got his first duty station and we moved to Hawaii! Awesome right?... Wrong! Only being there for 3 weeks I get a call that changed my life forever... My grandfather had past away... The man I looked up to the most in my life was gone... We go to Texas (that's where I'm from) for the funeral and get back on the first of June.

Only 11 days later I start having these horrible headaches I was 4 months at this point... I went to the ER because they had just changed rules that you had o be 20 weeks in order to go to labor and delivery. I didn't press the issue because I felt they would do their best to help me. I was given benadryl and morphine for my headaches and sent home. That worked for a short while but the headaches came back so I went back to the hospital and they gave me the same meds but this time a doctor said I may have an aneurysm or meningitis so he order a CAT scan and spinal tap. One thing he didn't do was warn my husband and I of the risk associated with the spinal tap. After receiving this procedure I past out due to my blood pressure dropping to 92/48 and was given fluids....because of the intensity of the pain involved in this procedure I was given pain meds. When it wore off I was in an unbelievable amount of pain. I couldn't eat because I'd just vomit. I couldn't hold my head up because my blood pressure would shoot up and make me light headed. I past out in a doctor visit and was rushed to the hospital . At this point I was 17 weeks. I was told I was extremely dehydrated and started having contraction. I went back to the ER and they said the contraction were probably because of my dehydration and that I may feel this through out the remainder of my pregnancy. I went home early morning Friday July 18Th of 2008 only to come back less then 12 hours later. I had started bleeding and had to call my husband home from work. I had lost a large amount of blood really fast and was not able to walk down the stairs of my apartment so we again had to call 911. My water broke at home in my bed at 17 weeks and 4 days pregnant. When I arrived at the hospital I was pushed into a room by myself and I was given a bed pan for urination purposes. At that point I felt the baby coming so I was yelling for help for several minutes before my husband arrived at the hospital. He walked in and I told him to hurry and call someone I feel something. A nurse walked in and put on gloves and the baby came out. He had fallen in my bed pan where I had just urinated. I asked the nurse is that my baby she said "let's just wait for the doctor." The doctor came into the room yelling for nurses to get me an IV because I was loosing so much blood. He picked up my baby boy and rapped him in a brown paper towel and placed him in a plastic bag and set him to the side right in front of my husband and I. My husband was so hurt, confused, and unable to process what was going on he sat without words or emotion. He was so hurt he refused to call my family in TX to tell them what was going on. The doctor then did not wait for the placenta to come out on it's own he pulled from me. This was very painful and the bleeding just continued. That's when he stuffed me with gauze which was also painful. I then had to have an emergency surgery to remove anything from my uterus that did not naturally come out. I was in the hospital for 2 and and half days. I went through so much after this not knowing what to do or who to turn to. I felt that I was betrayed my God and my family and the Army. No one reached out to me and said from experience I know how you feel and I'm here for you. I had the support of my family for there are women in my family that have had miscarriages but not the experience that came along with my miscarriage.

This is why I want to extend my hand to those that may not know what to do or how to deal with death. I didn't mention it before but this was the 5Th death in my family in a matter of 11 months. I lost my great grandmother, two babies, my aunt, and my grandfather from August '07 to July '08. I understand death and have come a long way in dealing and coping with it.

Please tell me your stories and leave comments.... If you have any questions I will be more then happy to answer them... I have found my faith again and have been able to not overcome completely for everyday is different and I have my days... But I have been able to have more good days then bad days and that's what I hang on to.

God works in ways we don't always understand and may never understand but there is a method to the madness! I believe God allows us to go through things not so that we can feel sorry for ourselves but so that we can help others. This is something Ive learned from a new friend of mine named Stephanie who has also experienced loss.